The reflecting pond

I regularly see one of my old selves in other people here, which leads me to wonder what "me" others see here. I don't think I've changed very much, although the last two times I moved away are now almost four and two years ago, which, after two degrees, three apartments and another province, perhaps have made me into someone slightly different than before. And maybe while I'm technically "out of school", I didn't get very far, now working both as a lectrice at a university that trains primary school teachers, and as an assistant in a junior high school. I prepare seminars comparing the Canadian and French school systems. In my spare time, I study French grammar and social theory. I'm officially a geek. (So that hasn't changed...)

When I see these past versions of me, doings things I know I've done, (being the single one who is reluctantly the last to leave the party, or the mortified guest who doesn't have enough change for the movie) I find I'm not quite so hard on them as I thought others were probably on me at the time. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have worried so much. And I hope they don't (too much) now.I'm also not half as grown up as I imagined the "elder" ones were, people whom I thought actually knew what they were doing (even if I really, really don't most days!)

But nor do I want to go back to that previous me. I feel like the older cousin who has finally been given a seat with the adults and can participate in their drinks and discussions now, but who was not so long ago at the children's table, and understands how much of a jump there is between them.


Sometimes it's like looking back into the not-so-distant past, with one assistant in particular. There are the body issues, the loneliness, the unknown path...so how do I, another person, not in that current situation, help without slipping into the somewhat interesting but rarely helpful self-indulgent comments of "Oh, I know exactly what you mean..." Questions like "Have you thought about (x)?" Or "What would help?" seem to go only so far. But perhaps that is all she needs now, someone to listen, and gently guide from some other experience, in another time. Someone who doesn't judge. Who is there. Someone to support her now as she goes through this.

Australia was, in a lot of ways, about opening up opportunities and showing me what was out there when I would finally move away from PEI. France has been about confirming certain priorities for me, and reminding me about things I will do when I get home.